queen of hearts
by k. jillianne
Summary: "Fate," she muses, "Do you believe in it?" He takes forever to answer - or what seems like forever. "If I'm given a reason, I might believe in it," he tells her. Fabian doesn't believe in fate. He really doesn't.
1. card tricks

**disclaimer: **i don't own any of the characters in this story, or the fantastic universe that was created by jo rowling. i own this story, though.

**author's note: **hi, i love dorcas meadowes and you know what? it's not canon, but when i play her on a site, her birthday is on august twenty-fourth. that's today. happy birthday, cupcake. you're the sugarpie to my sugarplum (yes, i know that doesn't _really _make sense). this is a whole new thing i'm trying out. hopefully, this time, my internet won't crash and give me reasons not to update. hmph. anyway, enjoy!

* * *

**queen of hearts. **_chapter one._

.

"Pick a card."

Looking up, she sees him. She squints her eyes, big eyes that seem more suitable for a cartoon than a girl. He smirks, just having a bit of fun instead of being legitimately serious. The cards are in his hands, spread out in a fan. She doesn't answer, just stares - at him, at the cards, into his eyes, at the design on the backs. Her lips purse and she stares. It's just a game, she knows, an innocent trick he's showing her because she's one of those people who will appreciate such a display. Her index taps against her chin, a rhythmic tap that is inaudible. It's all pretend, all pretending and playing. She licks her lips and squints at the cards, not at him.

He breathes sigh of annoyance and waves the fan of cards, right in her face. Her hair swings backwards with the little whoosh. And she scrunches up at her nose.

"Just pick it up?" She asks, staring at it. He nods, mumbling about how she's taking too long and how she should just pick a bloody card and not ruin the magic of it all. Her lips quirk upwards at his words, at his annoyance that she secretly enjoys creating. Her own little bit of magic, just ticking him off like he's a time bomb and she wants the explosion.

"Any card?" She goes on, reaching out towards the cards. He pulls them away, giving her a look. She shuts her mouth and stares right back at him. Silent, just for a second. All she hears is her breath, his breath, the rustling of the wind outside. She glances out the window, half-expected to see a cat lounging lazily, paws and claws dangling off the edge. There isn't one. He won't let her bring hers anywhere near him for some ridiculous reason. Something about cats being the devil, or maybe demons. She called him a fiend for that. 'Fiend! Coward! What have cats done to you?' 'Many things, little girl, many things'.

Oh, enigmatic day!

"Any card," he confirms with a nod of his head. "This is a life-or-death matter, Dorcas Meadowes. You can not joke around." He doesn't say 'serious' because he knows. Oh, he's full aware of the consequences of that. A joke or two, a wise crack about the name of the boy she currently fancies and the adjective, the differences between the two and the hilarity of it all. Already, he can see the laughter in her eyes.

"Yes, sir," she teases, reaching out again. He pushes the cards towards her.

There's no hesitance in her movement. She's eleven, he's recently sixteen. She's not afraid of him yet. She doesn't see him as anything other than Fabian Prewett, all Gryffindor and all sorts of charm. They're not quite friends - acquaintances is more like it. They have a bit of fun, joke around, tell each other stories. He wants to hear about her world and she wants to hear about his. That's how they work, how they manage to get along. Story-telling and a funny way of looking at the world. He's all pessimism and she's all optimism.

He's dark with unclear intentions. She's bright and eager, putting all her cards on display.

She pulls out a card and stares down at it.

"Write your name on it." He tells her, holding out a quill. She messily scrawls her name on the top of the card, neat and not covering the face. Her writing is barely legible, but there it is. D-o-r-c-a-s M-e-a-d-o-w-e-s. "Now give me back the card." He holds his hand out expectantly. There is no betrayal of emotion on his face, no sign of hesitance. He betrays nothing. He's stoic, emotionless - just for a second. But then he's smiling at her again, giving her that cheesy smile that warms her heart.

He's boyish and wonderful, all kinds of brilliance. He's a bright light in her life, a good friend but she thinks it's all about topsy when they both stare at the card. Bemused. Unimpressed. Slight, slight, slight amusement - so small, so hard to catch, it was like a butterfly or smoke, or perhaps a butterfly made of smoke. Her fingers tap against the card, brushing against the smooth surface and the blank expression on the face of the lady. Her crown is just right. Her sleeves are puffed and her cheeks, red. Her eyes are dark with something sinister and her lips curl mischievously at the card-holder. It's magic. It's charmed to be almost realistic. When the lady - the queen, actually - touches her hair, it turns a dark blond, it curls. Ringlets fall along her cheekbones. Dark eyes lightening, freckles dotting her cheeks while her lips paled to a pink.

The queen of hearts; a young queen.

"What is it?" She murmurs, in awe of the drastic change from dark to light.

"Magic," he explain simply, allowing her more time to stare. "It was a gift from my mum, said it was an interesting way of keeping track and remembering people."

"No one likes to be forgotten," Dorcas smiled, looking away from the card and up at him. The cards in his hand were turned the other way around. Quite a few had names scrawled across the surface, bearing similarities to the people whose names were permanently bound to each card. Gideon Prewett, a joker with red hair and a boyish face. Fabian Prewett, the other joker with the same face but different. His expression is serious, focused. There's something hidden in his eyes, a secret that he has no intention of sharing. The smile on his lips isn't as bright or as wide. It's softer, kinder, and more relaxed than excited. There's a scar that runs through his left eyebrow. A battle scar, as Gideon likes to call it, from when they were kids pretending to be pirates with fake, wooden swords.

The Prewetts may be twins, but they're not the same person when they're apart. One doesn't replace the other, like clones or replicas. They're two separate pieces, two separate cards.

"Right." He agrees, nodding. "It's supposed to hint at something, show what's part of your fate. I guess you're pretty important, Dork." She laughs, a girlish giggle that is suitable for a little girl. That's what she is, a little girl. An eleven-year-old having her first taste of the world of magic. It's a new world to her, completely new and strange, but so magnificent, too. He refrains from telling her that it's all nonsense, that it was just a bit of fun and not at all serious. A person who selects a number is a sign of insignificance, a small stepping stone but hardly an impressive figure. A person who chooses a card with face is supposed to be someone who will mean a lot, though he hadn't listened to what the meaning for each face was. Except one.

The most obvious: the queen of hearts.

"Fate," she muses, "Do you believe in it?"

He takes forever to answer - or what seems like forever. "If I'm given a reason, I might believe in it," he tells her.

Fabian doesn't believe in fate. He really doesn't.

But he's not going to tell her that.

Not that she's cares.

It's just a bit of curiosity.


	2. girls and boys

**disclaimer:** i don't own the world of harry potter and all its brilliance. i worship jk rowling for her magnificent creation. the characters are not mine. at all. i just write these words out.

**author's note: **it's been a while, not too long. not several weeks or months, but it's been a while. er, well, school has me in a headlock now. enjoy? reviews are appreciated. mwah! this story needs much editing, i realize. oops? my bad? also, my humour fails to impress. forgive me, readers, if you're out there!

* * *

**queen of hearts. **_chapter two._

.

It's too quiet in the Ravenclaw Common Room. The atmosphere reeks of seriousness, of hard work and dedication to education. She feels like the odd one out, the only one who doesn't care so much about cleverness and top marks. Dorcas isn't at the top of her classes, but she's near there, doing Rowena proud, but not feeling too successful. But, still, clever as she might be at times, she feels like an outsider here. She doesn't share a glance with some other person, a knowing smile of the hard times and trials of good education. They don't look at her. She's an ickle twelve-year-old, a second year that should know their place.

So she leaves. Oblivious as she might be, she knows she's not quite wanted. Her friends aren't there. They're busy with other things. There's a whole castle to explore, but she's done that. She's run up and down the stairs, sat on them as they move, watched as people maneuver through. Portraits don't really stare, unless you're doing particularly interesting. At first, they stare, then they look away. In a way, it's a silent declaration: you're boring.

Then again, the portraits are not always the nicest.

Some of them complain a bit much, too much for some to handle. Snapping at a portrait, however, makes one seem a bit mental. Dorcas Meadowes is the little second year that sits on the floor (either in her dormitory or in the common room) after dinner, hugging her unicorn named Helios and rambling on to whoever listens.

It wouldn't be a surprise if she's already being called a nutcase in the making.

Fabian, at least, thinks she's funny, but it's his last year and he won't be there to protect her anymore. Alice has said that, sarcastically, bitterly. Dorcas doesn't think badly of her because she's used to that because it's very much like the older girl to talk like that. She's all bitterness and angst, but she's nice to Dorcas. Part of her thinks it's because she's Alice _Prewett _and Fabian's her cousin. Then again, Gideon calls her a vampire. The whole affectionate family doesn't seem to work out very well. But Alice is right. When he's gone, what will Dorcas do? Run away from bullies, fight back? Will she toss her hair and stomp her foot in defiance? Cowards run. She can't just turn around and run. He'd be so disappointed in her.

"Dorcas? Why are you sitting on the stairs?" At last, a familiar voice! Dorcas looks up, automatically noting the black hair and green eyes of a certain Mckinnon girl.

"I don't know." She lies.

"Liar." Are best friends supposed to be able to pick out a lie so easily? Because Marlene does. She does it quite often. Her mouth is set in a smirk, though, as she sits beside the little blond. She pats her head, pushing down on the loose ringlets. Dorcas scrunches up her nose but she lets the other girl do what she wants without saying anything.

"I'm thinking."

"You have a brain?"

Dorcas can't help but laugh. The other girl grins, pleased with herself, as if making her friend laugh is a great accomplishment. It isn't and she knows that, but it's nice anyway, isn't it? A sweet laugh to shake off some of the sadness, the overwhelming desire to run away. The moment doesn't last long. The fear, the sadnes, it comes creeping back without moments. Marlene rubs circles into Dorcas' back, trying to be comforting. It looks strained. Her expression is of uncertainty. They're aren't those friends that hug and kiss and run around, holding hands. They're a comfortable pair, laughing and joking around.

"I'm scared, you know?" Dorcas murmurs as she slumps forward, running her thin fingers through her hair. "He's leaving, Marls. He's like... like my brother, you know? Family." They don't have to say his name to understand who 'he' is.

"They're both leaving,"

Suffocating sadness grabs them both by the neck and squeezes. It hurts to breathe. It's a dull ache inside, a little prick on the finger. Marlene smooths out her skirt, adjusts her tie. She stretches out her legs and throws her arms up, stretching them out, too. She makes it seem like she's just waking up, falling out a dream and tumbling into reality. Her mouth opens and, wearily, she lets out a yawn. Dorcas is almost shocked by this. She should be. She should be asking why she's doing this all of a sudden, but then she turns to the incredulous girl with a smirk.

"What? What's so funny? I don't get it, Marls. This is sad."

"I thought you were the happy one." Marlene teases. "Come on, cheer up. Think of something funny. Tell me something funny."

"I have a unicorn named Helios." There was a pause, a brief pause that was filled with a staring contest of sorts. A second passes - two, three, four, five. Nearly thirty seconds pass and then - heading shaking, shoulders dropping, Marlene looks away and stares at a portrait that's watching them with curious eyes. It's a woman with a baby, a window and a table with flowers in the background. The woman looks away and pretends to cradle her baby, humming a lullaby. Dorcas looks up and stares for a moment. This world is still strange to her. It still makes her stomach feel funny. She still wants to pinch herself to wake up from this unrealistic dream. Marlene's used to it. She's a half-blood - half and half, with a muggle mother and a pureblood father. The Mckinnons are a memorable bunch, everyone says. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing, nothing at all. Marlene is the best friend of Dorcas Meadowes, but people say it differently.

Dorcas is the best friend of Marlene Mckinnon - loud, obnoxious Marlene who, at twelve, already has a foul mouth and a familiar cheeky grin that she has when she yells at Potter, Black & co. from the other side of the classroom. Everyone knows her. She's that face that you see everywhere, that girl that manages to get into everyone's business somehow. It comes in handy sometimes, being around her.

"Everyone knows that." Marlene tells her, pursing her lips.

"Sirius makes fun of me for it." Dorcas admits, nodding her head solemnly. A smile is slowly creeping onto her lips.

"James and Sirius make fun of everyone." The dark-haired girl snorts.

"They don't make fun of you." Thank you, Captain Obvious.

"That's because I have Gideon." The statement hangs in the air for a second. It dangles dangerously, close to falling and shattering. It's a sore spot, a subject that must not be discussed while they aren't in the confines of the library. "Just like you have Fabian." Even saying that, it doesn't make it any better. It seems like a quick fix. A band-aid rather than stitches.

"They're leaving." They say, leaning against each other.

"Are you sad?" Dorcas asks, sitting up and curling her legs underneath her.

"Not really." Marlene admits. They grin at each other and stand up.

Who needs boys? Who needs a mischievous pair of boys that are too old for them, too reliant on each other to care about a couple of twelve-year-old girls? Really, who needs boys?

**-qoh -**

Two boys. Could you call them boys now that they are considered adults in the wizarding world? Maybe not. They sure wouldn't call themselves boys. Oh, Merlin, no. They certainly wouldn't call themselves boys, as if they are children rather than adults. Right then. Correction: two _men. _

Two men sit across from each other in the Gryffindor Common Room, sitting right across from each other.

Gideon and Fabian Prewett.

Cards sit on the floor between them, all of them laid out. Wordlessly, they stared down at them. Some of them were signed, some of them weren't. They're both grinning in amusement, watching as the signed cards with familiar faces moved around like the portraits along the walls.

The queen of hearts card looks up at him with a smile, a bright smile that never seems to fade.

"She's twelve, Fabe," Gideon snorts. "A second year that you barely talk to! She's just a kid."

"Marlene's the same age as her." A hint at the way Gideon seems to enjoy the way the dark-haired girl eyes him in the corridors, in the Common Room, in the Great Hall. She gives him smiles and winks at him, as if she's older than she actually is.

Silence. Oh, such overly dramatic, yet tragically anti-climatic silence! "Touché."

Gideon leans forward and pushes all the cards back together in a messy pile, as if he couldn't give a damn about what the cards say about their futures. Nonsense, that's what it is! Completely nonsense! Gibberish! It doesn't make sense and it's just silly, stupid, ridiculous. What a stupid present it was. Gideon starts to gather them together, glancing towards the fireplace as he pulls the cards into his arms. Fabian grabs his arms.

"Don't." He warns, letting go.

Gideon stares at him, a grin on his lips. "Sentimental?"

"Wait a few years. Let's see what happens, eh? Curiosity, Gid."

"Fabe, you're a freak. It's just illusions and card tricks." It's not. It can't be. It couldn't be just that. But it is, isn't it?

Fabian just shakes his head, pulling out his wand and organizing the cards as he starts going on about a girl in their year with long brown hair and green eyes that shine with mischief, as if she's eager to be swept into a broom cupboard. Gideon lets out a loud laugh and grins roguishly. He rubs his hands together as he begins telling tales, of things he says he'll make happen.

They laugh boisterously and wink at the giggling gaggle of girls sitting round a table near the wall.

They've no time for silly little girls and card tricks, even if it's more than an illusion.

Fabian Prewett doesn't believe in fate.


	3. long lost lovers

**disclaimer: **i wish i owned the world of harry potter and all of what it has to offer, but only this story belongs to me. tough luck, eh?

**author's note: **for lack of an interesting chapter, here's another! more fabian, some remus. just a bit of fun, really.

* * *

**queen of hearts. **_chapter three._

.

Years pass. School happens. Fifth year brings changes that Dorcas doesn't expect, but Marlene laughs and tells her that it's all too predictable in her opinion. There's a boy that she's known since the first day she walked onto the train. He's friends with a not so serious boy with a name that doesn't match his personality. He's friends with another group of mischief makers, ones that began their reign as the Prewetts were ending theirs. He's pale and sickly. He's shy and strange, and quite lovely.

Remus, Remus, Remus. It's in fifth year that Dorcas realizes she just might love him. Headache and heartache. She wants his attention but he won't seem to handle it over so willingly. Lily comforts the little blond by assuring her that he's just unaware of her affections - feelings she only noticed when she started ranting about a girl that he had been talking to. Just talking to, no touching or anything. They had been discussing school work and classes, yet Dorcas couldn't help but feel the jealousy bubble up inside of her, threatening to erupt like some volcano. It doesn't help that Marlene chides her and scolds her, going too far with the teasing that sometimes Dorcas runs away crying. Of course, they make up later, clinging to each other and apologizing and giggling over silly things. Marlene talks about boys too much. Dorcas just wants to talk about Remus.

But he's too sickly and pale. He's skinny and looks nauseous sometimes. What's attractive about that? Kind eyes, sweet smile. She wants to hold his hand and comfort him, to kiss away the sadness that seems to lurk behind his eyes. She's not silly enough to think that he's completely innocent. His friends prove to lack innocence. They are nothing but trouble, two pureblood boys that seem to think they own the world.

Lily hates James and thinks he's an arrogant prat.

Marlene snogs Sirius sometimes.

Peter looks a bit skittish.

Dorcas likes to sit beside Remus and ask him about the books he reads. He reads funny books, she tells him, but he only smiles and says that his friends say the same thing. Funny books that seem too grown up and mature for a fifteen-year-old boy, in her opinion, but she likes hearing him talk about it. They make him happy.

She wants to make him happy. She likes to see him happy. She holds his hand sometimes, acting like it's nothing. She's sat on his lap once or twice, laid her head on a pillow that she's placed in his lap. Her eyes are bright as she smirks up at him, playing with the hem of her shirt as she asks him to tell him about his latest read. _Great Expectations,_ this time around. He says it's his favourite. Dorcas smiles. It's a book she has yet to read, but she'll probably ask to borrow it later on.

"What's your favourite book, Dorcas?" He asks, seeming hesitant to lower his hands if he were frightened of touching her. Remus never calls her Dorky or Dork, like everyone else. It's too insulting, he explained once. He doesn't want to be mean, he continued, though she'd protested that it wasn't mean at all.

"_Peter Pan_. J.M. Barrie," she replies automatically. Something flickers behind her eyes. Her fingers tightly grip the wand in her hand. It's smooth, straight, and a bit short. It's brown, like any other wand, with a purplish tint to it. Around the handle, there seems to be ivy, curling and clinging like an old building. Eight and half inches, birch wood, unicorn hair core.

"Why?"

"I don't want to grow up sometimes." She fails to admit that Marlene questions her sanity because of that.

"You don't want to grow up? Why ever not? I thought that you had dreams -"

"I do. I do have dreams. There's a million and one things that I'd love to do!" She laughs, pushing her wand up her sleeve to conceal it. James and Sirius are tossing around a quaffle that they managed to take. Lily scolds them, flipping her hair and telling them off. James tries to act coolly, messing up his hair and giving her a devilish smirk. Dorcas wants to warn him that he'll get a good smack across the cheek if he doesn't hold his tongue. She tries to ignore them, focusing on Remus' smile instead. It's easy to be with him, like it's meant to be. Something flutters erratically in her stomach.

"Then why don't you want to grow up?"

"I'm scared. You've heard, right? You've heard that things are getting a bit..."

"Dangerous?" She nods, closing her eyes.

"I'm scared, Remus. I don't think I'll be ready to leave. I don't want to go out there." _I don't want to be killed._

Now, he lowers his hand to place it atop of hers. It shocks her. Heat floods in her cheeks and she opens her eyes to stare at him. He's not looking at her, but she can see a redness in his cheeks too. She smiles and closes her eyes again, enjoying how nice it feels to have his hand covering her much smaller one. It seems perfect, comforting. Sweet. She wants to hold his hands and kiss his lips. She wants to hear him tell her that she'll be fine, that everything will be alright.

Marlene gets up from where she was sitting and walks over to Lily and the boys. Sirius grabs her bum when she passes him, but she doesn't glare. She shoots him a look that Dorcas finds funny.

She wonders if her best friend is shagging Sirius.

She dares not ask though. Part of her doesn't want to know.

**-qoh-**

When she goes to Hogsmeade with her friends, she runs into Fabian. It's a shock to her. It's a real surprise. He stares her in amazement, trailing his hands down her sides like... like he can't believe that she's not a little girl anymore. A blush settles on her cheeks. It's flattering to see him stare at her the way he is. It's completely different. He's never looked at her this way before. He used to pat her on the head and shoo her away like a child. She wonders if he'll be like Sirius and pat her bum when he sends her off (not that Sirius does that to _Dorcas_, seeing as he's taken more of a liking to her best friend).

"You look well," Fabian smirks, placing his hands on her thin shoulders, glancing at her up and down. "Maturing, I see."

She laughs - maybe too loudly. Pardon her. It's not the ginger's attention she wants. Her eyes flicker over to the group of four boys, sitting together and cackling about something with butterbeers in front of them. The boy she wants to look at her glances at her quickly before looking back at his friends. She almost pouts, but she looks to Fabian to cheer her up.

"Well, yes, I _am _fifteen now." She replies cheekily. Her hair is nicely curled for once, but it won't last long. An hour or so more and it will be a bird's nest. She'll never tame that beast. "How old are you now? Thirty?"

He scoff and flips his hair, mimicking Mary Macdonald earlier that day. The girl flirts with danger, batting her eyelashes at pretty Slytherin boys who'd prefer to see her dead than alive. It's a cruel thing to think, but everyone knows she prefers boys who are no good to the ones who will treat her right. Lily calls her a masochist. Dorcas says she's just a bit adventurous because she's a nice person, really, and not completely boy crazy.

"Twenty, you little bugger," Fabian replies, leaning in close. His freckles greatly out-number hers, she notices.

"Ooh, big boy now." She giggles, touching his cheek. Affection for an old friend, really. "Are you wearing your big boy pants now?"

"Yes, I am." He begins, mischief in his eyes. "Big boy pants that I fill with big boy parts."

Her face automatically reddens. Her reaction gives him a good laugh. It's hardly crude. Well, it is. The implication is a dirty one that would have made a proper English lady from the Victorian era frown and cluck in disapproval. Dorcas is a bit of a prude, one might say. She won't kiss boys in cupboards or shorten her skirts like some of the other birds that flounce through the corridors, gliding and giggling as they flirt shamelessly.

Marlene tells her that it's all part of her charm. Attractive, really. Sort of. Something like that. She'd said something crude, though, something that horrified Dorcas enough to make her cover her face and groan.

"You're a doll, Dorcas Meadowes." He cackles, patting her head. "Come now, tell me about your fancy little life. Any cute boys? Any cute _girls? _Little Dorky, is there something you'd like to tell good old Fabe?" He pats his chest and bows with a flourish. She snorts, but smiles anyway. Fabian gives her a little wink, a tiny gesture that makes her stomach clench. She shakes her head, but he rolls his eyes and pulls her aside, to a little booth in the corner that gives them a bit of privacy. Somebody wolf-whistles. Somebody shushes that person. Dorcas drains out their voices and laughter. Under the table, she crosses her legs. Suddenly, she's self-conscious.

"I like someone." She admits shyly, pulling at her hair. Nervous habit, he mentally notes.

Why does he remember that? Get out, get out, get out of his head, little girl.

"Go on, go on. I'll keep my mouth shut." He promises, making a cross over where his heart ought to be. "I won't even tell Gid."

"Lies."

"All right, I might tell him." He snickers, petting her hand to calm her down. It works, oddly enough. "Now, tell me."

"Remus Lupin - that boy over there. I love him. I'm going to make him fall in love with me." Dorcas declares, attempting to sound confident but failing miserably. She glances over at said boy, but he's not looking back. Heartache. She wants him to look at her and smile at her, a timid smile that just screams uncertainty that she finds horribly attractive. Fabian stares at her, shocked.

"Love?" He repeats. The word sounds foreign. He treats it like she said it in Chinese.

Suddenly, she's shy again, curling into herself and staring down at the table. She nods, clamping her lips shut.

He thinks that maybe this is what it feels like to be jealous. They sit together for a while longer. He got up at one point, getting her a butterbeer and a glass of firewhiskey for himself. She eyes at warily for a while, as if it's poison. Soon, they settle into an easy conversation about silly things like the weather and the Care of Magical Creatures class that she had where she saw a real unicorn. Mind-blowing. Heart-wrenching. Incredible. Beautiful! Fabian laughs at her excitement when it comes to unicorns. Same old, same old, he decides. Still, she's different now. Growing up and less like a little girl, less naive, but not completely rid of her childish innocence just yet, he thinks to himself.

"I heard you've got a pretty girl on your arm." She murmurs, sipping on her butterbeer. The question comes out of nowhere.

"Gideon and I share." He drawls, leaning back in his chair and propping his muddy boots onto the table. She pushes them off. The bar man hollars at him from behind the bar as well. Fabe just lets out a loud guffaw as he places his feet back on the floor.

Dorcas chokes on her drink at his reply.

"I'm kidding." He assures her, giving her a devilish grin. She smiles wearily, brushing hair out of her eyes.

"Tell me about her. My information ends where it begins." Dorcas nods solemnly, pressing her fingertips against the glass.

"Talking in riddles now, eh Meadowes?" He clucks his tongue, leaning forward and staring right at her. He looks so mature now, but he's not. He couldn't be. A boy - man, he's a man, she reminds herself - like Fabian couldn't fall out of the routine of poking fun and causing trouble. When she tells her mum about him, her mother calls him 'a real devil of a boy', the sort that she shouldn't associate with.

"Oh, you know me. Riddles and tongue twisters and -" He interrupts her.

"Facts that you pull out of your ass." He doesn't know where she gets random information from. Reading, she says, but he pretends that he thinks she just knows.

"Watch your language!" Still, Dork can't help but laugh, throwing her head back.

"All right, all right," he smirks. "Her name's Hestia; dark-haired beauty with rosy cheeks and a smile that knocks you right off your feet. Hestia Jones, but not related to the amazing Gwenog Jones of the Holyhead Harpies. She's a real looker with breasts that are just _massive_. I mean, I have to hold onto them with both hands. And, Merlin, she just knows how to handle my -"

"Fabian!" She scolds, but she's crying of laughter. His gestures and expressions just make her laugh. The girl he's talking about is a real girl though, someone that he's actually dating. Shagging, he corrects. It's nothing serious, just a bit of fun. She doesn't understand the point of that. She keeps going on about love and romance and blah blah blah. He can't ignore the fact that his little Dorcas keeps glancing at Remus. She looks disheartened when he gets up and leaves. Fabian tries not to care.

They carry on the conversation until it's time for her to head back with her friends.

He promises her that she'll be seeing more of him. He'll be waiting.

"You're creepy," she says dismissively, giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek before she runs off to meet up with Marlene.


	4. snow in december

**author's note: **well, it's been a while - over a year, which is pretty crazy. things happen. anyway, here's chapter four.

* * *

**queen of hearts. **_chapter four._

.

Mary Macdonald cries for hours, she hears. She doesn't know because they're not in the same house. Lily says that, stupid as she might be sometimes, she doesn't deserve to be tortured by some awful Slytherin. Mary Macdonald acts tough, like Marlene, but more so. She acts like nothing can harm her. She towers at five feet and nine inches, yet she looks so small as she walks through the corridors in the days after she's been attacked.

Within Hogwarts walls.

By a fellow student.

Mary isn't weak. She's not easily frightened. She doesn't scurry away and hide behind corners when she runs away from bullies - not that there are people who'd really like to bully her because she's quite intimidating to some because of her height. She is brave and ferocious, bold and unafraid. She's coarse and crude. She makes gestures of handjobs and other kinds of jobs. Her hair is nicer than Dorcas' - long, straight, free of tangles. Dorcas envied her at one point, but she doesn't quite envy her now. She's one of those people that run up to her and give her a hug. Her arms are tight around the taller girl's waist, muttering silliness into her shirt.

Secretly, Dorcas wants to cry. She's quiet for a few days. It gets Remus' attention, but then she loses it again. She's no competition to his friends. They come first. They're his priority. They get to know him like a brother and she never seems to get the chance to really talk to him.

The distance between people is evident. The hatred and rivalry between Gryffindor and Slytherin is increased.

The lack of affection between her and Remus is evident.

The Hogsmeade trip consists of sitting in the snow and sulking, drinking hot chocolate and making snow angels. Mittens and hats. Scarves and boots with pom-poms and bows. It's cold, but she doesn't want to go into the Three Broomsticks. She wants to fall out of that routine. She doesn't want to like someone who doesn't even look at her.

Fabian sits in the snow with her, though. His arm is around her shoulders, pulling her close and rubbing her arms to keep her warm. She's fine though. She's not really cold. She just likes the comfort, the way he pulls her into his lap and releases hot breath against her cheek turned red from the cold. She grabs onto his hand, squeezing it as she smiles about nothing. His hands are covered with black leather gloves while hers are covered with colourful wool mittens.

"It's only December," Dorcas chirps, turning to Fabian with a grin.

He stares at her like she's bonkers.

"What's your point?" He asks, prodding her in the side. She jumps a bit before settling back into his lap. He tightens his arms around her. "So what if it's December?" He goes on, muttering on her ear. She shudders a bit, turning her head a bit to try and get a glimpse of him. She tilts her head back and stares up at him. He stares down at her, eyebrow raised and expectancy in his expression. She licks her lips and gives him a smile. She wonders if the snow is seeping through his pants now, wetting his jeans. She wonders if he cares.

"Christmas is coming up." She explains cheerfully, turning her head again to look straight ahead. "The school year isn't over yet."

"Six more months." He states, uninterested in this topic.

"I have a lot of time," she hums, leaning her head against his shoulder. He leans down and kisses the top of her head.

Brotherly affection.

Sort of.

He thinks so, at least.

She doesn't think much of it.

"At lot of time for what?" He continues, wanting to know what's going on in that little head of hers. Little because her head is small, but he's sure it's like one of those tents his family stays in when they go camping or something. Small on the outside, but large on the inside. More than you expect. Fabian thinks that her mind is probably endless. He thinks that there probably isn't a beginning or an end. He imagines that it's vast and endless, going on for ever. Infinite. An ocean, but without continents on either side of it. Just vast, endless. Open sea, where the shore is unseen and the sun sets on the water.

"To win him over." She tells him casually, giggling about something that she thinks about. Snow is falling, lingering on her eyelashes before she blinks them away. Snowflakes tangle in her hair - blond and tangled as always. He's not wearing a hat and Dorcas thinks he's silly to not wear one. Dark red hair is topped with snowflakes. He doesn't bother brushing it off. He can do that later, when he's not holding onto her.

"Him? The Lupin boy? Are you still hung up on him?" He snorts. Dorcas doesn't hit him. She laughs loudly.

"Maybe," she says, speaking slowly while pulling at the scarf hanging loosely around her neck. She bites on her lip.

"You're a terrible liar, Dork." Fabian scoffs. "You still fancy the bloke?"

"How could I not?" It's only been a couple of months since they talked about this. She couldn't get over a boy that quickly. Except she got over Sirius Black rather quickly. Of course, he'd been the object of her affection when she was eleven and everyone knows that eleven-year-olds have no concept of true love, of _real _love. She thought he was lovely, but she changed her mind later on, once she had noticed the quiet boy that had somehow found himself with the loudest boys of their year.

"What? Is he some god to you?"

"What - no! Don't be absurd. He's just... he's just -"

"The most perfect boy you've ever seen?" Fabian pretends to swoon, leaning in close to her cheek. His voice is high-pitched, but airy. He bats his eyelashes at her. She swats him away, scrunching up her nose and shaking her head. He sounds ridiculous. He looks ridiculous. Dorcas doesn't get what his problem is.

"Is that supposed to sound like me?" She asks, horrified by that terrible impersonation. Oh, she couldn't possibly sound like that, could she? She stares at him in horror. He keeps up the act, continuing with this torture. He leans in closer and closer, pressing his cheek against hers until she swats him away. He releases a loud laugh that makes her roll her eyes. Dorcas grins anyway though. Such charms. How could she ever resist him? How could she not love him? It's very possible that she could. One day, perhaps. When she's older and it seems less inappropriate for her to like him. For now, it's just a bizarre though. Dorcas and Fabian. Fabian and Dorcas. She's thought about it before, but it's a thought she brushes off like dust.

"Yes," he says simply, dropping the act and leaning back. "I did a good impression, didn't I?" He gives her a squeeze and she exhales.

"Pure brilliance," she coos, patting his hand comfortingly. "I've no idea why you aren't bumming around in Hollywood like some hot shot." It goes quiet for a moment. She shifts her weight and he stares off into the distance. Marlene is off somewhere, doing who knows what. Gideon's back at his place, doing whatever he does when Fabian isn't around.

"Your sarcasm wounds me." The feigned sadness makes her turn her head to look at him. She can't see him too well. For reasons unknown, he keeps her facing forward instead of looking at him.

Yeah, don't look at him. That might make the entire scene look endearing.

It's a family affair, of sorts. Nothing romantic, really.

Though, it's very possible that it might just be.

"Tell me something interesting." He catches her off guard, but she's convinced that looking away would be the proper thing to do. She's not quite sure why it would be proper, but it seems like a smart choice. Dorcas isn't smart, isn't she? When she dies, they ought to want to keep her brain. They could store it in a safe place and poke at it when they were in need a dash of brilliance. Her lips curl into a smile at the thought of it. Sure, it's a bit nasty, but intriguing. Fabian pokes her in the side when she ponders for too long. Hurry up, you goon. No wasting time. No dilly-dallying when time is scarce and a curfew has been put into place.

"Um," she has to think about this. "I have OWLs coming up in the spring."

"That's not interesting. I knew that already, little one." At the nickname, she crinkles her nose. What kind of nickname is that? Half of her wants to turn around and tackle him, give him a good slap. That wouldn't be so kind, though. Then again, he isn't kind all of the time and everyone deserves a little shot at revenge, don't they? All she had to do was hit him. Wa-_pow._ It wouldn't even hurt. Her punches don't really hurt. He deserves one, though, just for being an arse.

"What don't you know?" She sighs, leaning back into him. It's comfortable. It's nice. It's a bit of a shame that she's never capable of staying mad at him for too long.

"Well, I can't really tell you that, can I?" She grinned.

"I guess that's true." Suddenly they're holding hands and he's mumbling something into her hair. Trying to decipher what he's saying is a difficult task.

"Don't you have to go?"

"Do you want me to go?" There's a mischievous smirk on her lips that he can't see. It entertains her to know that she could make a million different faces and he'd never see them unless he turned her around. He won't do that, though. Then he'd have to look her in the eye and try to be serious while she's erupting in a fit of giggling. That wouldn't be too good. How is he supposed to keep up a conversation when she can't even last long enough without laughing to actually hear what he's saying to her? That wouldn't be very fun.

"No." He hugs her tighter.

"But I have to." She doesn't sound so eager to leave though.

"Okay."

"Okay." For a second, they don't move. "I'm really going now." She crawls out of his lap and stands up. He looks up, she looks down. It's a nice change. Ever since they met, he's made her feel tiny and fragile, but now she feels mighty and tall. She stands with her arms akimbo, hands on her hips with her elbows out.

"No, you're not." He declares and stands up, too. Suddenly, she doesn't feel so mighty and tall.

"Are you going to stop me?" For a second, it seems like a great idea. "You can't stop me." She'll get in trouble. It's not that she doesn't want him to. Of course she does. Oh, to steal away into the night with him. To run off into the distance, hand in hand or on horseback, galloping into the sunset with no regrets and no intention of turning around. That sounds romantic and it sings like a song in her head. He should hear it, too, but from the look on his face she doubts it. If there is something romantic between them, a lovesick sort of moment, she would press her fingertips into as many freckles as possible and try to match them with hers. He pushes up her glasses and taps her backside with his foot.

"I know."

"Bye." It comes out as a question.

Little girls like Dorcas Meadowes don't get into these situations. They dream of knights in shining armor and charming, brave princes who will sweep them off their feet. She dreams of being a princess, a warrior princess who can brandish a sword like a knight. Little girls don't fall for men. They can dream. They can imagine. They can sigh and sing and wish, wish, wish.

But men don't fall for little girls. Not that she likes him.

No romance. No love. No getting swept off of her feet.

He's like a big brother, a big bear that is ready to terrorize any boy that might march in and snatch away her heart. Too late, though. He's a bit late on trying to protect her vulnerable heart, which is okay. She thinks it's funny when he looks over at the Three Broomsticks, as if he could see through the walls and find Remus Lupin just so that he can glare at him. Dorcas kicks his boot lightly to get his attention.

"So, that boy that you fancy -" He grabs onto one of the strings that dangles from her hat.

"Shhh," she laughs, swatting him away.

"How will he know that you love him?" He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

"I don't love him!" And then she darts away, spinning around at one point to blow him a kiss. He doesn't catch it and she imagines that it simply flies away, floats into the sky with the clouds and the birds. Snow falls. She stumbles and slides over a patch of ice. When she catches up to her friends, she swears she can still hear Fabian laughing at her.


	5. unpleasant encounters

**author's note **i don't have much to say right now. i'll be participating in nanowrimo this year, so my next update will probably take longer than this one. and, as usual, nothing from the world of harry potter belongs to me.

* * *

**queen of hearts. **_chapter five._

.

"Are you honestly spending your day in the library?" Marlene doesn't sound too pleased. She sounds annoyed, as if she wants to just snatch away the parchment, the paper and the quills – just to throw it all away. Dorcas looks up at her, pursing her lips and pushing her glasses higher on her nose. In this situation, she's managed to give the appearance of a picture perfect Ravenclaw in their natural habitat.

"Well, no, not the entire day." Dorcas stiffly replies, setting down her quill and smoothing out her work.

"Oh, just for most of it then."

When she glances up at Marlene, Dorcas stares at her blankly. For years, they have been best friends but Dorcas is not always as lovely as she is. She isn't so daring or brave. Recklessness generally evades her, aside from the odd moment here and there. In her head, boring moments need to balance the exciting ones. Not every second of the day can be thrilling and the ones that do provide an adrenalin rush need to be cherished. To experience them frequently – well, it doesn't seem so fantastic to her. It seems depressing. Not a moment of rest, not a minute to relax; it sounds so terribly frustrating.

Marlene gives her a disapproving stare and Dorcas just shakes her head. It isn't that she's against having fun because that isn't remotely true. Marlene makes it seem that way sometimes though. In her head and in her words, she somehow manages to twist things around to make everything sound so dull and dreary.

"You," Dorcas begins, "You are being so silly right now."

"Come on, baby," the other girl grins. "Lighten up! The weather's nice, you're nice and I'm trying to be nice by convincing you to enjoy the weather." The sun is out and the sky is clear. For weeks, Dorcas had been tormented. She hadn't known whether she ought to be sad that the snow melted away or pleased to see flowers blooming and the grass becoming green. True, it isn't a real dilemma that ought to be fussed about, but that doesn't matter. She's really not opposed to having fun. There are reasons for studying and doing her homework. Unlike her darling best friend, she has goals that she intends on achieving.

"_Lily_ isn't even cooped up and studying."

"Oh, fine." Dorcas huffs, "I surrender. I'm waving my white flag. My battleship has been sunk!"

"Yes! I win!"

Without any delay, her things are thrown together hazardously and shoved into her arms. For a minute, she half-expects the rest of their friends to pop out from the aisles between bookcases and provide some assistance in pulling Dorcas out of her chair. Not a second is wasted in ushering her out the door. Marlene chatters in her ear about something that's supposed to be important – how Charity Burbage has been acting like a total hippie, threatening to tie herself to the Whomping Willow in a protest against… something. Marlene laughs about how it's completely bonkers to risk her safety and well-being just to get people to agree with her about something no one really cares about. Parts of her rant don't make much sense but Dorcas nods her head, feeling like a bobble head, so that Marlene will continue with her spiel just to get to the end of it (if there is an end).

"Are you listening to me?"

"Um, yes – ah, sorry, Marls."

Marlene rolls her eyes and waves her hand dismissively. "Whatever, it doesn't matter too much anyway."

The chattering is slightly out of character for her. The roles are usually reversed unless there's something that is being kept hidden and all this nonsense is used as a distraction from something much more important.

"Have you started on that assignment for Transfiguration? I have some thoughts about it and I was wondering…"

"Dorcas Meadowes, are you listening to yourself?"

"Oh, right, I had a moment of forgetfulness, you – you irresponsible…"

"Come on, finish the insult."

"I can't think of anything though." Dorcas whines while pouting and stomping her feet as they walk through the corridors. Marlene rolls her eyes again and purses her lips. As they pass other students, though, her lips curl into a mischievous smile that nearly makes Dorcas' skin crawl. There's something about that look that reminds her a bit too much of the Prewett twins and it's positively terrifying.

"So, what's in your head this time?" The question is innocent enough to Dorcas. The expression she wears extends her attempt at feigning nonchalance and innocence. The look Marlene shoots her is practically deadly but, instead of giving her an answer, she remains silent. She refuses to say anything until after Dorcas deposits all of her things on her bed in her dormitory and returns to her, where she had been waiting by the entrance to Ravenclaw tower. That thoughtful expression is nearly bone-chilling and, unsure of what else to do, Dorcas wraps her arms around her friends and squeezes reassuringly.

"If you think that I'm about to burst into tears, you've got it all wrong." Dorcas merely smiles and steps away. Her affection is rejected, but it's okay. It isn't ever really accepted until the tears truly do start flowing.

"I didn't think you would start crying. I'm just trying to be nice." Marlene snorts.

"You're killing the mood."

"You took away my homework time!"

"No one really wants to write an essay, Dork."

"I do!" She cries out, crossing her arms and taking on a childish expression. Marlene snorts again, tossing her hair over her shoulder. Technically, it isn't true. She doesn't want to write an essay but she wants to do well in class. She wants to feel that golden sort of feeling of being right, of getting compliments on her writing abilities and her clear understanding of the lesson. Being able to boast about her marks and her wonderful essays and the fact that professors approved of her – well, it's wonderful, isn't it? Of course, Marlene could never understand. She excels when she wants to excel, but that is a rare occasion. The arguments about homework and classes came to an end a long time ago. Marlene made it clear that she does not care as much as Dorcas does and it seems unlikely that she would ever care that much. That set a pout in place, but that put an end to the silly disagreements that always end with an unpleasant, deadly silence.

There needs to be respect for the time Dorcas sets aside to do her schoolwork though. It isn't as though she spends every waking moment all cooped up, surrounded by pieces of parchment with a determined expression on her face. She goes out and socializes. She has friends from each other the houses, mostly from Ravenclaw and Gryffindor, but that is because her friends from Ravenclaw are friends with Marlene and Marlene's friends from Gryffindor are friends with Dorcas. It works out that way. Sort of.

Cleverness evades her when the time for comforting pops up.

Something's up and Dorcas is no detective. If she's given a case, it takes a whole lot of effort to crack it. Late nights, waffles and other sweets are necessary to get the job done. Of course, that's just an exaggeration. Usually, she just pesters whoever's down in hopes of finding out what exactly the problem is – then the journey to a solution begins. In general, it's a long and treacherous road that requires much assistance and a lot of effort.

It's safe to safe that she's not the best bet for comforting people.

Being bright and optimistic – sure, she can do that. Using the right words in the right way to help someone… well, that isn't so easy.

"Do you need ice cream?" She blurts it out suddenly. Marlene stops mid-step, twisting around on her heel to give Dorcas a strange look. Sweetly, Dorcas smiles and shrugs.

"It might be getting warmer, but it is not warm enough for ice cream." She shakes her head, as if that is the most obvious answer and Dorcas' question is completely ridiculous. She makes it seem like there is a specific time for ice cream, which is just blasphemous because, realistically, it is always the right time for ice cream and all its loveliness.

When she opens her mouth to make another comment, Marlene glares at her. She never looks like that. She never looks _that _angry with her. It's as if Dorcas has suddenly become everyone else instead of being that wonderfully wonderful best friend that's stuck by her for years and tries to be funny just to make the other girl lighten up and laugh. Now Marlene's making her feel like the enemy. It isn't the first time that she's felt the urge to run far, far away from her, but the look is bone-chilling and heart-stopping. Just standing there, not saying anything, Dorcas decides that she hates feeling like the villain.

"Sorry. I didn't know that would make you angry."

"Don't apologize."

"Okay, sorry, I won't.

"_Dorcas._"

"Sorry, I didn't mean to – oh, sorry! I'm shutting up now."

Silence makes her itch and it makes her want to scream. There's something so wrong about it, almost as if it's a sin and she needs to repent for her fiendish deeds. If she were religious, she would crawl to the side of her bed, clasp her hands and pray until everything is made better. It doesn't really work that way for Dorcas though. She doesn't know how it's supposed to work out for her though. Is she supposed to be the comforting best friend with loving words like 'whoever he is, he doesn't deserve you' or something along those lines? It feels like the right thing to do but this is _Marlene_ and Marlene is the type of girl that likes violence more than talking things through, which makes things all the more difficult but that's who she is and Dorcas had given up on changing her a long time ago.

Marlene runs her hand through her hair and looks away. Her eyes are all over the place: examining the walls, the floor, the portraits lining the walls containing people who are trying to look distracted when they are probably waiting to hear about whatever Marlene is attempting to bottle up. Her head is filled with secrets and Dorcas is just dying to know what these secrets are. Dorcas can deal with secrets from other people, but not from her best friend. It's a stab in the chest, a nearly fatal blow that leaves her on the verge of gasping for breath. For once, she wants to take a sledgehammer and bring those walls crashing down. Marlene's built up so many of them, but Dorcas is usually within them. This time, she's on the outside and there aren't any doors to let her in. She's being blocked by some invisible force and Marlene doesn't seem to be considering to let her in.

Lily has never been the other best friend to this dynamic duo, but there's something about her that can pull and pluck at people, getting them to open up with seeming to break a sweat or lose that sweet smile. She ignites jealousy in Dorcas, giving her green eyes and sullen expressions that linger on her face when she stalks off with some excuse about meeting with a professor to clear up something about a lesson or having to meet someone or go somewhere else. There's no hate between them, just a bit of competition and it feels like Lily is always winning. With her gorgeous red hair and that pretty face that no one can resist, lovely Lily makes Dorcas seem so small and insignificant. She's not a villain. She's not some evil spirit out to get her. No, she really is lovely. She's so perfect and it's frightening. Sometimes it seems as though Marlene prefers Lily to Dorcas and that makes her scurry away.

She isn't a fighter. She's easily scared and intimidated. However, she trusts her best friend to stick around and take care of her, just like she would like to take care of her whenever she needs someone. It isn't asking for much – just loyalty and support, someone to rely on.

"Should I go find Lily?" Dorcas asks meekly, rubbing her cheeks and looking up at Marlene.

"I know where she is." Marlene replies stiffly, adjusting the tie that's draped around her neck.

She never ties her tie. Someone else always does it and it's only tied for classes, just to avoid those dirty looks from professors and the way they seem so opposed to teaching a student that's out of uniform, though it never really seems like a major dilemma. This, however, feels like a major dilemma.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on?" Dorcas tilts her head to the side and links her hands behind her back.

"Give me a minute, won't you? I'm trying to…" She waves her hands around a bit, as if trying to capture something in the air and wave it towards herself in an attempt to complete her sentence.

"Collect your thoughts?" The smaller girl offers.

"Yes, that's it." Marlene nods, looking off to the side once again.

A lifetime seems to pass before Marlene slows her steps and twists around to put herself in front of Dorcas. Her expression is so serious, so severe. It feels like all she has to offer is bad news and that worries Dorcas. Bad things aren't allowed to happen to the people she cares about. They're supposed to experience nothing but happiness. Times like these make her wish that she had some superhuman powers to make everything okay, but that's impossible. _Nothing is impossible_, she wants to say, but that isn't true right now. It's impossible to get the exact answer that Marlene is probably looking for. It's impossible to know exactly what to do. In this friendship, Dorcas is the weaker one. She runs to Marlene with her problems and they're fixed by that wonderful girl who tends to intimidate most people but favours Dorcas for some strange reason. Marlene solves all problems with easy. Dorcas, however, is basically clueless.

"I offered myself to him – to Sirius – and he laughed, as if it was just _so _funny that I would do such a thing."

Dorcas visibly winces then reaches out towards her. Marlene violently shrugs away and steps backwards. She shakes her head vigorously, gritting her teeth and raking her hands through her hair.

"It's not like I _love _him. Merlin, no, I would never. But he laughed at me. He rejected me." Evidently, her pride is wounded.

"Should I go and… um, attack him?"

"Attack him how? Act like your adorable little self and make him laugh some more at how pathetic I am?"

"No, that's not what I was planning."

"Oh, hell, don't even bother, Dorcas." Marlene snaps, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms over her chest.

"We both know that you'll chicken out as soon as you look at him."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She frowns.

"I don't even know why I told you this!" Marlene shrieks, throwing her arms up, exasperated. With that, she shakes her head, turns around and stalks off. She leaves Dorcas behind, confused as she stares after her.

* * *

**L**ater, Dorcas finds Sirius and kicks him in the shin.

"What the bloody hell was that for?" He shouts, whirling around and glaring at her. It couldn't have hurt all that much. She didn't kick him very hard, just enough to prove a point: she was angry with him. James, Sirius, Remus and Peter aren't quite Dorcas' good friends. They're _okay _friends, connected through Marlene. Sometimes Dorcas likes them, but sometimes she doesn't. Remus is her favourite because of his intelligence, his calmness, that peaceful aura he seems to have. There's something safe and comforting about him that draws her in. It's not so difficult to believe that she could develop a crush on him so easily.

"You upset my best friend!"

"Marlene?" He asks, raising an eyebrow as if he doesn't know. She stares at him in disbelief.

"Who else would I be talking about?" It's a bit too demanding and (possibly) dramatic but she's trying to prove a point so it doesn't really matter. Remus is standing there, hands in his pockets with a curious expression as if he doesn't exactly understand what is going on. James looks more amused than confused and Peter looks worried. Perhaps he's wondering if Dorcas is planning on going after all of them, though that would be silly because she really has no reason to do that. Sirius is her only victim.

"Well, I wasn't sure. You have a lot of friends, don't you?"

For a second, she forgets why she decided to go after him with unpleasant intentions. The flattery distracts her, but she jumps back on top before long.

"Marlene is my best friend though!" She sniffs. "And – and you weren't very nice to her." James snorts and she shoots him a look. However, instead of looking apologetic as she expects, he just offers her a cheeky grin.

"Did I upset her?"

"Yes, yes, you did." Dorcas stiffly replies, putting her hands on her hips and narrowing her eyes at him.

"Contrary to what some of you lovely ladies might think," he begins, leaning in close to her, "I don't sleep around."

Remus looks nervous now, ready to step forward to intervene. Dorcas blinks, trying to gather her thoughts.

"I wasn't suggesting that."

"Ah, but your dear friend had similar thoughts when we were spending some time together." James snorts again and Sirius smirks. Peter laughs nervously, as if there's joke that Dorcas is clearly missing. Nothing seems very comical to her, but it's unlikely that they will be explaining what is so amusing to them. Thankfully, Remus doesn't seem to be encouraging them. He just watches silently, giving Dorcas a reassuring smile when she looks to him with a befuddled expression.

"Dorcas, what are you trying to do?"

"I… I can't remember now. You distracted me!"

"Right, well, when you figure it out, we can talk about it again. How's that sound?" Now she wants to throw herself at him, tackle him to the ground and slap him silly. Instead, she narrows her eyes again and crosses her arms over her chest.

"Just apologize to Marlene." She says simply. "Tell her how beautiful she is or something."

"I told her how much I enjoy her company last time I saw her."

James lets out a loud laugh, but Sirius kicks him in the shin. "Sorry, mate. It's just – you know – Dorcas. Sorry, Dork, I'm not laughing at you."

"Then what are you laughing about?" She cries, stomping her feet and feeling the urge to rip out her hair.

"Oh, it's nothing." Remus assures her, moving closer to stand beside his friends rather than behind her. He still smiles, but not in the same way as James and Sirius. Peter nods his head, looking… well, looking the way he normally does.

"Right, okay – it doesn't really matter." She sighs, licking her lips and looking at each of them as if she'll find an answer that way. How Marlene manages to hold her ground is beyond her. It seems nearly impossible. Her thoughts are jumping from left to right, making it nearly impossible to stay on the right track.

"Is there anything else you'd like?"

"I ought to get Fabian to beat you into a bloody pulp until Marlene isn't so… snippy."

"Who's Fabian?" Remus frowns. "I don't know anyone by that name."

"She's talking about one of the Prewett twins. They left Hogwarts a few years ago. Haven't you seen Dorcas and her Fabian canoodling on the Hogsmeade trips?" Sirius raises an eyebrow and scratches his chin. He might not have a fan club, but there are certainly plenty of girls who would be smiling (or swooning) at that way he currently looks. Dorcas isn't too impressed though.

"Apologize to her. Fix this." Dorcas demands. "I don't want my best friend to be upset. Ever. I mean it."

Remus smiles again and her heart warms. She nearly sighs. "I'll make sure he apologizes to her."

"Thanks, Remus. You're the best." If Sirius and James hadn't been there, Dorcas would have kissed him on the cheek. Instead, she beams brightly and nods. Her face reddens slightly before she turns and runs off before they can say anything about her suddenly flushed cheeks. When she disappears, James and Sirius make kissy noises at Remus.


	6. lean in, lean back

**author's note: **none of the characters belong to me. jk rowling gets all the credit for creating this world! also, hi, it's been a very long time. let's just hope this isn't disappointing. reviews are very, very much appreciated.

* * *

**queen of hearts. **_chapter six._

_._

She's newly sixteen the first time she almost kisses him. He isn't the one to lean in. He is the one that leans away from her and she is the one that leans back when she realizes that her advances are unwanted. Her cheeks flash a startling red that fill her face with heat while, in her chest, all she feels are painful, invisible stabs. There isn't any blood. She isn't really injured, but she might as well be. She bites the inside of her cheek and looks away from him, only to look back at him and laugh. She doesn't mean it. It sounds fake to her, but he looks relieved to see her laugh. Her chest heaves with each breath she takes between her laughter, as if she's just played the funniest prank _ever_.

She didn't, though. If she had, this would be much, much easier. Fabian is oblivious. He is a fool and she's never wanted to hit him more than she does at that moment. His face is flushed as well, though she isn't so sure that they have the same reason for blushing.

Fabian looks horrified. Dorcas feels ashamed.

It would be silly to run away now. Silly is synonymous to another word in this situation. She can't say which, but it seems like an obvious sort of swear word. Silly, silly, silly girl. What happened to being bright? To having a light heart and wide grins? Break, little heart, break apart. It's summertime and they sit in an ice cream parlour, cones finished and filling their stomachs. Dried ice cream sticks to the corners of her mouth, unnoticed and left behind. In her lap, her hands twist and turn. It isn't long before she looks away from him. Her face is hot, hot, hot. Heat is in her cheeks and she wonders if this is what it's like to be in an oven - the same unpleasant heat, the urge to run away and escape the sudden burning warmth. Would he follow? Would she act like the little gingerbread man in that story her father used to read to her? _Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man. _That's how it goes, doesn't it?

A prodding in her side startles her. She jumps away and turns her head in a swift movement, so swiftly that she's certain there had been a crack, a snap to signal a breaking of the sound barrier. Or maybe she is making it more dramatic than it truly is. Fabian is watching her with careful eyes. Careful? She bites her lip and wonders if that's how he always is - careful, cautioned, controlled. Maybe there's a bit of worry in his eyes, too. Oh, go away.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She demands, crossing her arms.

"You look like a petulant child right now." Fabian replies, raising and eyebrow. If she slaps him, will he drop it? Probably. It doesn't seem like such a smart idea to give him a good whack, but let's not forget that she really, really wants to. It would be an except outlet, a superb escape for her emotions. In her head, she can hear his stupid little comments. _Merlin, Dork, you're such a girl. _Oh, how insulting he would be! Oh, the teasing that she would have to face if he could only glimpse into her mind. She blushes even more furiously, but she doesn't look away.

"I am not a child."

"You're acting like one, Dork."

"A child wouldn't have tried to kiss you!"

The words are out of her mouth before she can put up a stop sigh or a road block or something to stop them in their tracks. If this was one of those muggle car accidents, she would be a driver, desperately pressing on the breaks and bringing herself to a screeching halt. Tires squealing, the driver screaming and then a terrible crash. Boom! All gone. Tossed around in the small vehicle like a rag doll, bones breaking, limbs falling off. Luckily, this isn't a life-or-death situation. She's just sitting with Fabian Prewett, feeling like a stupid little girl. He looks at her in this... this unimpressed way, like he's disappointed in her for acting this way, for trying to start something. Isn't there something between them? No, no, apparently not. Apparently, she is simply acting like a girl, adding a bit of nonexistent romance to a platonic friendship.

"Dork, you shouldn't -" He begins to speak, but she refuses to allow him to.

"No, no, don't say anything." And then she's out of the metal chair, standing in front of him with her hands pressed flat against the top of circular table. Cards are scattered across it. The game they had been playing is clearly forgotten. This is what they do, though, when they meet up during the summer. It fills any silences and keeps them entertained when they can't think of anything else to say. Games are easy to sew into their moments together. They take away any other thoughts. He brings out the competitive side of her with these card games and makes her feel at ease with his little tricks - muggle card tricks, though, because he finds the simple illusions fascinating. Every so often, he's done some other card trick, but using magic. Somehow, they aren't as brilliant. Looking at the cards now, Dorcas blinks. How did they forget about the deck and end up in this situation? Goodness, she can't remember now.

"I'm going to get more ice cream. Do you want anything?" In an attempt to bring back their normal routine, she smiles at him. Fabian nods, but his shoulders hint at some tension. Dorcas doesn't want to look anymore. She hurries back into the parlour and sucks in her bottom lip. Shame, shame, shame. She thinks of the card he made her choose when she was eleven - the young queen with hearts sewn into her gown, the face that mirrored hers. Remembering it, she shudders. Oh, what is fate? Where is fate to bring them together? Clearly, it isn't in the cards. The cards lie. He rejected her instead of embracing her.

Maybe one day.

But definitely not now.

When she comes back, he still has that serious look on his face. There isn't a chance that she'll ask him about it now, though. Instead, she licks the two scoops - chocolate on top, vanilla underneath - and watches him curiously. He wrinkles his nose, rearranging the freckles that gather there. _Oh, he's lost_, she realizes. He's lost in his head and she wonders if it's time to go.

"You're quiet today." He remarks.

"Not myself, it seems," she states, using an omnious voice and grinning at him.

"No, definitely not. How's your head?"

"Stuffed."

**-qoh-**

"What were you thinking?" Lily yells. Dorcas winces at the sound of her voice, so loud and angry. She stands across from Dorcas, hands on the Ravenclaw table in the Great Hall. She stands out with her red hair and her Gryffindor robes. This isn't where she belongs. Dorcas had thought that she'd be safe from Lily and Marlene at the Ravenclaw table, where she can blend in with the other studious types. However, they prove her wrong. Marlene stands beside Lily, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. Normally, she would be yelling. Dorcas eyes her warily, waiting for the moment that her real best friend will interject with her own opinions.

"Sorry?" Dorcas replies, blinking up at the two girls. Oh, darn it all. Feigning confusion won't save her, but she can hardly be blamed for trying.

"Oh, don't act so innocent, Dorcas Meadowes." Lily warns her, wagging a finger in her direction. Dorcas bites her lip to hold back her smile. Her eyes fall to the plate in front of her, filled with waffles drenched in syrup, chocolate sauce and just a bit of icing sugar. It's so sweet that people crinkle their nose at it when they pass by, saying things like 'how can anyone eat that in the morning?' though it's her usual breakfast. Hey, at least she's matched it with a glass of milk. It's easier to focus on them instead of the angry ginger in front of her. The authoritive presence is tearing apart her morning. Lily, Lily, Lily. With her Prefect badge and her mothering and her lovely face.

"You know what you did."

"Stop it." Dorcas whines. "You're making it sound like I stole your boyfriend." People are staring at them. She can felt it. The hairs on the back of her neck stand up and, out of the corner of her eye, she can see people looking over at them. Lily is making a scene and Dorcas doesn't like it. This isn't the kind of attention she wants and, feeling all of these eyes on her, Dorcas slouches. She sinks into her seat, as if theat will help her disappear when it won't. Marlene gives her a hard look, as usual, and the glimpse of normalcy provides the blonde girl with some comfort. Mary Macdonald is usually the one being scolded, but she sits at the Gryffindor table, safe from Lily's judgmental gaze and Marlene's disappintment.

"Then stop avoiding me!" Lily huffs, throwing her hands up in the air, clearly exasperated. Dorcas turns her head away and clenches her hands into fists in her lap. "Every time you see me, you turn around and walk in the other direction. Marlene has even noticed that you've been acting a bit strange. Remus is worried -"

That catches her attention. "Remus is worried?" Marlene grins at her. Oh. Darn.

"Oh, so _now _you're interested in what I have to say." Lily, however, doesn't forget about her annoyance. Of course. Her temper is like that, isn't it? Raging, raging, raging. Dorcas wants to smile, to giggle, to laugh, but Lily won't like that and Merlin forbid she ever end up on Lily's bad side. No, no, no, she's perfectly lovely. Perhaps her temper is her only flaw. Perhaps that is why she gets on Dorcas' nerves. Lily finds her childish and irresponsible, she knows that. Lily knows that Dorcas is just a tad bitter. She has noticed that Dorcas doesn't treat her the same way she treats Marlene, Emmeline or Mary. There is a wall that gets built up around her to block Lily out, to keep her at a certain distance. This is how it's been since they met. Marlene's first best friend at Hogwarts was Lily. Having her around makes Dorcas feel less important, less pretty and less smart and less wonderful. Of course she is going to resent her, but they don't argue or bicker or attack each other. That isn't how it is.

Though, that isn't to say that they haven't gotten into little spats.

At least they make an attempt to be friends, to be kind to one another.

"Yes, well, that's what happens when you mention his name," Dorcas smiles, tilting her head to the side. "Okay, sorry for interrupting. Please, go on." She motions with her hands in a way that matches her words. Carry on, continue, please don't let me interrupt you anymore. No, no, it isn't supposed to be cheeky or snarky or anything like that. Dorcas hunches her shoulders and keeps on smiling, trying to win back Lily's favour.

"Where was I?" Lily asks, turning to Marlene. The dark-haired girl raises an eyebrow. "Oh, right, everyone worrying about Dorcas, who doesn't seem to notice or care until someone decides to yell at her for it."

"Why _are_ you yelling at me anyway?"

"Dork, don't interrupt." Marlene sighs. It seems that she has taken on the role of mediator. Lily's eyes have narrowed and Dorcas wonders if she can make herself any smaller. Tiny, tiny little Dorcas with big, bug eyes. She would look like a bug, wouldn't she? A bug with a lion's mane. She nearly laughs at the thought of herself as a hybrid, a mix of insect and lion. Oh, it's a hideous picture but it takes away some of the negativity lurking in her mind and she feels bright again. Still, she is hesitant to look Lily in the eye. There's bound to be some ferocity, a fierceness that Dorcas cannot possibly match at the moment. At least Marlene is there, she thinks. At least she can take some comfort in her best friend being there and keeping the two girls from tearing each other apart. No one wants to see those two get into a fight. It's obvious who would take Lily's side, who would defend her and scold Dorcas for being so silly.

"Sorry." She pinches her index and middle fingers together and move them across her lips in a zipping motion. Lily pinches the bridge of her nose and exhales loudly. Dorcas ducks her head and begins shoveling pieces of her waffles into her mouth. They're starting to get a bit cold, she realizes. That cannot happen, she decides, and proceeds with eating as much as possible without choking on it. No one pays attention to the fact that she's eating like a pig, so she doesn't do much to make herself look more like a lady.

Then, finally, Lily jumps back to where she had left off. "I'm not going to say what I had wanted to say earlier." At that, Dorcas looks up at her in confusion. "It didn't really matter, so don't worry about it. I don't want you to start thinking that I think you're an idiot. We all know that you don't always think things through." There's a sweet smile on Lily's lips. It doesn't sound malicious or hateful. In fact, it sounds as though she is amused by Dorcas' antics, though it had not seemed that way earlier. Afraid of how Lily might respond to her, Dorcas keeps her mouth shut and waits for the taller girl to continue with whatever she has to say or ask. "Now, really, what were you thinking?"

A moment of silence passes and Marlene laughs. "You can speak now, Dork."

"Oh, I can? Okay, sorry, I wasn't sure." She swallows the bit of waffle she'd had in her mouth, licks her lips and then smiles apologetically at Lily. "Can we talk about this some place else, though? I'd rather not discuss these things... here." _Where everyone can judge me for my mistakes. _No, no, no - she wouldn't be able to stand having people stare at her and whisper things. It doesn't matter if it's mean or if it's nice. When they talk about her mistakes or her love life or the mistakes she makes in her love life, she doesn't want other people to offer their opinion or even get the chance to form an opinion. Lily might not care so much about these things, but Dorcas does. Shifting in her seat, she glances over her shoulder, finishes off her plate and then stands up. She gestures toward the door and, willingly, the three of them leave the Great Hall. Lily leads them, Dorcas follows and Marlene trails behind them. A few people watch them as they leave, but soon it's just the three of them standing on an empty staircase. It's a good thing that they decided to confront her now, in the morning.

"This isn't how I want to start the school year." Dorcas sulks, combing her fingers through her hair.

"Relax, we're not going to tear you apart." Marlene coolly replies, patting the smaller girl on the head.

"Yes, we just want to know what was going on in your head when you -"

"When I tried to kiss Fabian Prewett?" Lily and Marlene share a look then nod at Dorcas, who only sighs and rubs her forearms.

It's strange how they know already. Only a few days into the new school year and they know. Dorcas hadn't visited either of them over the summer. Instead, she had spent time with her muggle friends and with her family. Marlene had gotten some letters, but it wasn't much. She didn't provide them with much detail about... well, anything, really. Oh, silly girl, why did she have to go and avoid them? They must have sought out answers! That's the conclusion she comes to. Her mind is whizzing and whirring and coming up with possibilities. Her head is spinning and her chest hurts just a tad.

"I thought you liked Remus." Lily says, speaking softly as if she has suddenly become worried about the little blond girl's well-being.

Dorcas blinks at her. "I did." She mumbles. "I mean, I do, but... I don't know! I don't know, I don't know, _I don't know!_" She doesn't. Oh, the true is so shameful. There are so many reasons that she can come up with, so many explanations that she can offer but none of them seem accurate. Perhaps they hint at what she had truly been thinking, but nothing is certain. All she knows is that she had met up with Fabian as she usually does in the summer, but her mother hadn't been with her. They were eating ice cream and playing cards then suddenly they were leaning in close, but Dorcas kept leaning in and when her lips almost brushed his, he pulled back abruptly with such a bewildered expression. Oh, shame, shame, shame. Just remembering it now, her face becomes a bright red. Her hands fall from the tangled mess of her hair and swing helplessly by her sides. Her tie seems tighter. A noose! Oh, let go, loosen yourself and free the poor girl. She fidgets with the tie, loosening it more and more and more until Marlene grabs her wrists and forces them down.

"Sorry." She says meekly.

Marlene merely shakes her head and rolls her eyes. Merlin, she does that so often. It's sort of like a trademark of Marlene Mckinnon.

"Were you even thinking?" Marlene asks. Her voice is gentle, but her hands are tight on Dorcas' wrists.

"No," she slowly replies. "I don't think I was. How could I think? Oh, such a fool I am! Shall I wax poetry? Can I become a poet to express my grief, my sorrow - oh, parting is such sweet sorrow. Sonnets, I could write them, and then the world will understand. Everything sound much prettier as a poem." Lily stares at her as though she's grown another head. More rambling and Lily will be steering her towards the Hospital wing, claiming that Dorcas has bumped her head or something. Wonky little thing. Bit messed up in the cranium, perhaps? Dorcas smiles at Lily, trying to give some semblance to normality.

"Don't start your 'if I were a poet' monologue." Marlene commands. "Or start trying to sound all posh. No one wants to hear that."

"Sorry."

Even though Lily isn't saying anything, Dorcas knows what she must be thinking. Silly girl, stupid girl. There are laws. There are rules. Fabian is too old for you. You're too young for him. You're a little girl and you shouldn't be trying to make older men fall in love with you. It seems likely that Lily is slightly judging her, thinking that she has gone a bit nuts. It's just Fabian, Dorcas wants to say. He's like her brother and she's ruined it. It's even worse that she felt hurt when he rejected her, when he moved away and didn't allow her to kiss him. Maybe it is a good thing, but it still hurts. It still makes her feel unwanted. But it's Fabian.

They'll make up. He'll meet up with her again. At Hogsmeade, he'll take her into Honeydukes and buy her some sweets. All will be well.

She just feels so silly.

"Do you love him?"

The three of them whirl around, only to see a red-face Mary Macdonald. Eavesdropper! Dorcas wants to point at her and gasp, shrieking things such as 'for shame! be gone, demon!' but she doesn't. Instead, her jaw drops and her mouth becomes an open cave. Bats, feel free to fly in and makes yourselves feel at home. "Sorry, I was curious."

"Curiosity killed the cat." Marlene chides, narrowing her eyes. If Lily and Dorcas are rivals, Marlene and Mary are sworn enemies. Though, in reality, Dorcas and Lily get along despite their disagreements and Marlene thinks Mary is an idiot and generally despises the cowardly girl. She's very mousy and Marlene hates her for it. 'Shame of the house of Gryffindor,' Marlene said once and Dorcas couldn't help but compare her to the Black family. That shuts her up and she never says it again, but her disdain can be seen in her eyes. She certainly looks like a wicked witch around the mousy creature.

After shooting a warning look at Marlene, Dorcas smiles at Mary. "No, I don't love him."

"So you're lonely?" The assumption makes Dorcas clamp her mouth shut.

Daisies, rainbows, unicorns, cherry blossoms, lilac, lavender, honey - think of cats and dogs, puppies and kittens, bunnies and birds. Happy thoughts. Dorcas turns away slightly. Not lonely. Not embarrassed. No, no, no. She's a sixteen-year-old girl with many, many emotions and she can't bottle them up forever. She wants to be loved and caressed and kissed, but no one is stepping up. Perhaps Mary is right. Oh, but she definitely does not want that girl to be right. Perhaps being with Fabian made her think things, imagine things. She fancies Remus, though. His intellect, his sweetness, his seriousness. He is the boy she meets in the library and laughs with. He's let her hold his hand and kiss her cheek, but he thinks nothing of her. Just a silly girl that is sweet to him, but he'll never respond with the same sweetness. Maybe she'd been thinking of Remus while she was with Fabian, imagining a romance that couldn't exist with her and Fabian. Maybe it only hurts so much because she sees it as a sign of eternal solitude.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

She can come up with lots of maybes, but there aren't any proper explanations.

"I think it's time to go." Dorcas squeaks. Marlene, casting a harsh look towards Mary's direction, presses her hand on Dorcas' shoulder and leads her away. Lily stays behind, which is a relief. She will only say upsetting thngs. She is too determined, to intent on getting her answers that she won't drop the topic and Dorcas can't deal with that.

It takes her a few days, but she's back to normal.

Soon, she's holding Remus' hand again and asking about the book he's read over the summer.

In October, she receives a letter from Fabian.

_Dear Dorcas,_

_Meet me at Hogsmeade?_

_Not yet though. Not now._

_Fabian._

Not ever? Fear seizes her heart and, for a moment, she wants to cry. Instead, she dashes down the stairs and searches for the kitchens. James and Sirius know where it is, but they won't give up any information. They won't tell her where to go. They treat it like a secret hide out, like it's their little secret. She simply sniffs indignanty and storms away. Marlene finds her a few hours later, sitting on the stairs with a book in her lap. It's _Peter Pan, _but Dorcas doesn't explain why she's reading it again. Luckily, Marlene doesn't say anything. All she does is sit beside Dorcas and wrap her arms around her.

"I really, really want some waffles right now." Dorcas whines in an effort to set her mind on something else and show Marlene that she's okay, that everything is okay.

When Marlene laughs and squeezes her, she smiles and she's certain that things aren't so bad.


End file.
